


tell me it's okay

by domniall



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: BPD, Depression, M/M, mood shifts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-22
Updated: 2017-04-22
Packaged: 2018-10-22 11:41:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10696290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/domniall/pseuds/domniall
Summary: Phil was awake and Phil was making food and Phil made things slightly better.





	tell me it's okay

**Author's Note:**

> hi this is a story about bpd dan and his fp phil and is based off of things i experience w my mental illness i don't know how i describe this emotion or days like these other than dark days you do alot of sleeping and contemplating and depressive thoughts but also crave a lot of attention to make up for how u feel it's different for everybody and since i had one of those days/weeks/lives i thought why not turn my misery into something i can be praised for ha i love attention ! 
> 
> also idk how to warn this other than dan tires to initiate sexual acts while in this mental state but it ends well thnx!

Dan woke up tired. His whole body seemed stiff, his head felt cloudy, and his brain moved in slow motion as he got up and out of bed at a somewhat late time of 12:05 pm and put on a shirt so he could leave the dark cave of his room. 

He walked into the rest of the house and he considered just hiding back in his room as he felt the dull ache of the daylight fill his body, but Phil was awake and Phil was making food and Phil made things slightly better. 

He passed by the kitchen quietly, keeping out of view of Phil, becoming an enigma as long as he could. He went to the bathroom and came back upstairs without a notice and hid away in the living room. There, he found a comfortable spot that didn’t give him the worst migraine and watched the people move across the screen of the television. 

He was content with the time he had to prepare himself because Phil came in five or so minutes later. He was wearing a bright shirt and old gym shorts while carrying a plate. “Morning.” He said before sitting at his end of the couch, giving Dan a smile when he glanced over. “There’s extra on the counter if you want some. I didn’t feel like making a lot, but there’s enough for one plate.” 

Dan saw pasta noodles. He remembered he slept through breakfast. He remembered the annoying ping of pain at the very base of his spine. 

“I’m good. Not hungry.” Dan looked back to the TV, bored with the scene, with the show, with his presence in this universe. “Thanks.” 

Phil shrugged and dug into his noodles, slurping and munching like how Phil eats. He wasn’t loud but the noise of each bite rung hard at the base of Dan’s skull and it was like he couldn’t hear anything else. 

“Do we have any plans today?” He asked to distract himself. That’s all he does anymore. It works because Phil stops scraping his fork against the plate and Dan exhales. 

“No, everything is booked or set for later in the week. I think we have today, tomorrow, and Tuesday morning free. Did you want to do something?” 

“I dunno, maybe, like, die.” Dan’s fingers are picking at the loose skin around his nails now. He tears at a dry piece of skin that rested in his nail bed with his teeth and chews it in between them once before spitting it out in front of him. 

“We really don’t have time for that this week. Maybe, Saturday, though?” Phil doesn’t even make a noise, bat an eyelash, or take an extra breath. He doesn’t even stop his fucking chewing. 

Dan grins as he bites off another piece of skin from a different finger, this time drawing a little blood. 

\--  
Dan wakes up from his nap at around 4. It’s his first one of the day after eating two pop-tart packs and some Coke. 

He lies in his bed and wonders if he should go back to sleep. The aching is less bothersome when he’s spread out on his stomach and his legs feel less overloaded and he can’t hear Phil slurp his drink from his bed. But, he also can’t see Phil in his bed or smell Phil in his bed. 

The living room is still annoyingly bright when Dan walks back in. Phil is still in the same spot but this time he’s playing Final Fantasy with his legs tucked under him. 

Dan rolls his eyes because Phil hasn’t even noticed he’s come in the room so he sits with a huff and pulls his huge cozy pimp comforter down off the back of the couch and wraps it around himself. Phil huffs because he was half sitting on it so he was made to get up slightly. 

Good, Dan thinks. But he’s frowning and furrowing his brow as he watches the TV. 

He already wants to go back to sleep again. He wants to get up and go do something. He wants to make a video. He wants to play the game, too, and laugh along. He wants to go for a walk because it’s bloody warm outside because it’s fucking Spring. He wants to go see The Fate of the Furious with Phil and sit in the back of the theater and sneak snacks and sneak judging glances and sneak small kisses in between the action scenes when its dark with drama. 

But he just sits there and lets his head lull back along the couch back and his eyes close. He hears Phil go “noooo” and then he hears nothing. 

\--

His eyes open to a black room. “Fucking finally.” 

“Welcome to Hell. It looks exactly like our living room.” Phil says beside him. The screen is on Baking because of course it is. Dan hums. 

“They get BBC in hell? We’ll never have to miss our shows, Phil.” Dan looks over at him with an annoying bright, smiling face and Phil snorts a laugh while his hand rests in his lap. 

Dan really wants to be that hand all of a sudden. Impulsive as ever, Dan unfurrows and unravels himself from the sweat cocoon and his scooting across the couch and invites himself into Phil’s bubble. 

Luckily for Dan, Phil’s bubble is always open for him and Dan sits himself in his lap, their eyes level and hands on chests. Dan isn’t thinking anymore. His mind just rolls and rolls. His lips brush Phil’s and hands touch more. 

Phil takes it easy. He’s kissing back slow and holding Dan close. He lets Dan continue kissing and it’s alright. Dan isn’t pushing. He isn’t egging anything on. All he needs to do is not think. 

They’re alright for a while, mindlessly kissing and humming and sighing on lips. Dan’s hands have fallen in between them and rest on Phil’s tummy that barely pokes out. Phil lightly rubs the thighs that are on him. 

When Dan shifts, he can feel everything below himself, which includes Phil’s half hard dick rutting up into his thigh. That’s when Dan starts to overthink. He’s moving and he’s letting his hands sink down to touch on Phil. His brain is screaming at him to please and to take care of it because if he doesn’t, there would be hundreds of others who would. 

However, Phil’s reaching almost as fast as Dan could get to his dick and his hands are wrapping around Dan’s wrists. “Hey, no.” 

Dan’s eyes are wide and he’s looking at Phil and he’s just thinking too much. “But. I want to.” 

Phil’s head shakes and he’s pulling Dan back up to where he was before. “I’m not taking advantage of you like that. I would never.” 

Dan feels dizzy. He blinks and tries to make eye contact but he’s breathing a little faster and looking at Phil’s mouth. Phil lets go of his wrists and wraps his arms around his middle to pull him in, letting Dan flop against his chest. 

Dan squeezes his eyes shut into Phil’s neck and he’s trying to breathe normally. Phil is smart. Phil is an absolute genius. How did Dan with his fucked-up head get Phil with his smart, strong, amazing head? 

Dan doesn’t know how to speak but he’s clinging to Phil around his neck and their chests touch and Phil just squeezes him close that they could melt into one conglomerate, probably. 

They sit like that until Dan can move without too much difficulty. Phil helps him into his bed and he makes sure to close the blinds all the way and turn off the lamp before shutting the door behind him. 

\--

Dan wakes up tired. His legs don’t feel too long for his body, though. He doesn’t wince as his body bends and stretches into clothes. It’s 11:45am. 

He passes by the kitchen again but this time glances in to give a nod to Phil before disappearing and Phil smiles and gets another plate down from the cupboard. 

Dan only eats half the plate of food and decides death can wait for Saturday afternoon. He also decides that Phil makes all the things slightly better than slightly better.

**Author's Note:**

> come talk to me about mental illness or tell me to get off the internet on my [twitter](http://www.twitter.com/domniall)


End file.
